I NEVER realized how deep I wrote on my soul that my happiness would depend on my relationship with my adult children. 

I know this comes from a specific time in my childhood that I desperately needed it and couldn’t get it.  

I blame no one. 

We are all here to heal.  

It’s beginning to make sense that I so deeply waiting years, days, minutes, and even seconds to have a wonderful empty nest life that was still ao filled with my adult children that I would feel like a queen sitting atop my accomplishments of a wonderful family.

But for over two years now that is not how it is.

And I struggle to make sense of why I’m here if not for my children even in adulthood.

How did I get to this point?

How did I get to this thinking pattern that is just making its true presence known?

I was in a Facebook group for empty nesters and had to leave because it was so depressing watching grown women not want to live if their children wanted nothing to do with them.

Let alone Mother’s who jsut couldn’t seem to let the child grow up.

I was prepared for my children to go off and do great things. I really was.

I was excited for them to do better than me!

To grab life and go for a ride.

I couldn’t grow watching so many other women stay in their pool of sadness.

Ugh

I have actively worked through all these feelings looking for a way to be excited about life all by myself.

It doesn’t feel as exciting.

But I don’t want to be that mom that can’t move on.

I even convinced myself that my children have alwyas watched my behaviors so I need to keep making my behaviors strong and growing.

Because they may be in this mode someday and I need to give them something to hold on to.

If mom was able to do it, so can I!

But wow.

I did start working on this early.

I can’t imagine had I not bothered.

I can’t imagine being slapped with this feeling out of nowhere.

The best I have to go on is making sure they value themselves as a human.

If I can’t do that then I give them nothing.

So while it still hurts daily I will continue to move forward with the mindset of I need to be an example.

Being a mom was truly the best.

But what if not all my kids get to be a mom or dad.

Don’t o want them to value themselves anyway?

Ugh

I do. But I am struggling to value myself while feeling so alone.

But I will make it.

Like all other struggles in my life I have learned to take it one day at a time.

Wake up. Find a purpose in this day alone.

And pretty soon the hurt doesn’t hurt so bad.

Mom

I have loved being mom

I need to find me.