Little did I know that this was going to be our last Christmas in this house.

I had bought this Christmas ornament as a sign that I was really trying to prepare for empty nest that seemed to come earlier than expected.

Menopause had just busted down my door and physically life changed hard and fast.

The following two years would be the hardest years I’ve had in so long.  

So long that it made being a single mom of three little baby girls look EASY.

I didn’t know it but I had slipped into oblivion and had no space left for anyone. 

I was sick and tired of people paying to train with me but not caring enough to actually reach goals but yet complaining about their body.

I was sick and tired of not knowing how to deal with my last senior.

And I was surely sick and tired of this menopause body that wasn’t normal.

I thought I had prepared myself for this time of my life but I did not.

Why, you ask?

Because I never once saw myself past getting my girls to the age of 18.

That should tell you alot about my mindset.

It should tell you a lot about where I came from and how stuck I really was.

I tried so hard to visualize myself in my 50’s and 60’s and 70’s and I just couldn’t.  

I tried so hard.

Little did I know that the real reason was because I didn’t want to stop being mom.  I still don’t.

I loved being mom and caring for my kids and spending life with them. 

My real dream was to also be a perfect wife and stay at home mom.   I just couldn’t make a relationship work.

I wanted to prove I could come from the dumps and become something great.  It was just harder than I was prepared for.

I had no support for these particular years.  My poor girls suffered my lack of support for them in their new adult life.

I just didn’t have enough of me left.  I was spent. 

Just a few months after this picture, I would be told I had 90 days to vacate after 10 plus years.

I was devastated.  For two years I stayed devastated with so much going on in  my head I coudn’t see straight.

My best years, our best years, were spent in that house.  I’m grateful more than anyone will ever know.

My girls HATED that house when we first moved in.  The drive was so long!  8 minutes long!

It was so far away from town. But I loved it.  I knew it was perfect.  It was extremely roomy even for the 5 of us.

I loved the green grass rolling hills, the cows, the red barn and the birds!

I loved hopping on my bike or going for a walk or a swim in the lake.

Winters were so beautiful.  Summers were so beautiful.  Fall was gorgeous and spring was fabulous.

Every year.

I had no clue that would be our last christmas in that house.

I had not clue the next christmas would be our last as a family held at Rachael’s house.

Relationships with my children have been altered and some not so good.  

I’ve spent much too much time grieving this process.  I really thought I had pulled out of it but no, I never did.  

Not until now.  

Why God would want me to be in despair over my children I don’t know but I’m trusting the other side will be better!

I have only two choices in life…show the world what to do when we’re down and out, or show the world how to give up.

For all this time, I knew I wanted to WANT to climb out of this hole and make something of myself but the WANT wasn’t there.  I only wanted to want it.  

But I recently found my energy and my energy flipped my light switch and I FEEL the WANT now.

How did I find it? I can only say…by NOT giving up.

I’ve was stuck in a world of people I would call unbelievers of abundance.  

Now, I’m moving into a space of abundance and letting the non-believers drop away.

Let’s GO!